Darkness

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Moment of transparency.

We all have times in life when we feel inadequate. Times where, no matter what we do or how many accolades we receive from others, we just don’t feel like we are worthy. The timing of our heartbeat is off, our soul is wounded and there’s an empty black space inside of us. It’s like you’re fighting your way through a thick fog. When you’re walking in your cloud of darkness and despair, there seems to be no end in sight. Every step you take saps your energy, daily tasks are a burden, and finding something to smile about in life just seems to be impossible. I can vouch that I’ve been there, where the trouble that isn’t supposed to last always seems to be a never-ending rain. You pray for relief but all you get is another deafening blow. Your hope is hanging on by a thread and your faith is almost gone. Your mind has taken over and, instead of being a source of encouragement you can’t even bring yourself to face the person in the mirror.  

Depression is a topic that is continuously swept under the rug.  If you’re like me, you are clever enough to hide it; paint on a smile, swallow the tears, will my heart not to bleed, and drown my pain. Then, when I get home, the mask comes off and the tears flow. My feelings of inadequacy and unworthiness stalks in and clouds my psyche. There is a dull ache inside that medication can’t fix. I’m broken and unable to be repaired. I feel alone. I can’t get a grip on my sadness and I’ve taken too many blows and suffered too much loss to recover on my own. Still, there is hope, waiting at door. All I have to do is get up.

To be continued…

TT.

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