Posts tagged relationships
Sabotage
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There are times in life when you find yourself in a state of perpetual bliss. Everything's going the way that you want. Your relationship is great, your career is taking off or is going in the direction you have hoped for, your family is prospering, your children are behaving, your spouse is helping around the house and your pockets are overflowing with an abundance of cash. There's only one problem; you don't know how to enjoy it. You have this feeling in the pit of your stomach that something is going to happen to ruin your happiness. You're watching and waiting for what is to come and, you have your umbrella at arm's reach just in case you get caught in the midst of a storm. You wait and you wait and you wait but, nothing happens. Then, you're so anxious that, since trouble hasn't found you, you decide to go looking for it.

Once you've been in a bad relationship; had your heart-broken, been treated badly, been cheated on, been used or abused, instead of resisting and fighting back, something goes haywire and you start to expect it. You devalue yourself and tell yourself that you don't deserve something good. You're so accustomed to being mistreated that you welcome mistreatment. You don't know how to act when you're being treated well. The voice of the naysayers, previously drowned out by the cheerful music in your mind, resonates loudly, drowning out the once sweet music of your psyche. Distrust, jealousy, and resentment replace the feelings of love and elation and, the "bombs over Baghdad" start to explode. In your quest to find trouble's lair, you severe the once-strong bonds of your loving relationship and your home becomes a war zone as the rest of your life transforms into a battlefield. Even sensual sex can't bandage the painful wounds of spoiled love's grenades and your homie/lover/friend is now your arch-enemy.

I can't say that I haven't been there. So caught up on what could go wrong that I wasn't focusing on what was right. So ready to "pop off" if something went down; planning my attack, searching for clues that I never found, waiting for news of infidelity or deceit, and listening to those around me as they spewed forth bad advice. I was so used to a man doing wrong that, when I had one doing right, I pushed him away with insecurity and mistrust. Luckily, this man had the patience to subdue my feelings of inadequacy and has replenished my faith that there are good men out there just waiting for the right woman to come along so he can engulf her in his love. I must say, ladies that, sometimes, the pain we suffer from love lost is inflicted by our very being. I've learned to look at each man as an individual. Allow him to erase what has happened to me in the past and write his own story. Take down the walls inside and not allow the volcano within to erupt and burn all hope of love into ash. It may be one of the most difficult tasks in life but, you have to learn not to harden your heart. Love is out there but, if your heart isn't dressed when love is ready to knock, you could miss your opportunity to truly be happy. We must all go through a little pain, a little rain, a sadness, and take a few blows before we find joy. Oh, when you find it. True love will make you forget about all the bad things of the past, get rid of the baggage from previous journeys of love, and start fresh and new with a person who was hand molded by God for you. I've said all of this in order to leave you with a few last words, "If love came packaged perfectly, you'd be skeptical of its intentions, so when it comes wrapped in a package that you've never seen before, make sure that you crack your knuckles, take a comfortable seat and enjoy the thrill of taking something special out of the box." Love, make love, and give love.

Why I Don't Have Thug Passion
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I can’t lie, there is something about a “bad boy” that makes a woman feel some type of way. I can’t count how many times I’ve heard a woman say that they love “thugs” or street dudes. The hustler you see with muscles, gold teeth, tattoos, and a rap sheet whose name is ringing in the streets. I won’t lie, I was one of those women too. Attracted to the bad boy; intrigued by a life of excitement, lured by the call of a man who lived by his own rules, and drawn to the challenge of trying to see the good in him and make him change for the better.  Like many others, I truly loved him and I thought that, if I showed him a better way of life, when he came to the fork in the road, he’d choose the straight and narrow over the wide road to destruction. In the words of Biggie, ‘it was all a dream’ and a huge waste of time, a source of needless pain, and a situation I should have turned and ran like hell from. I know what you’re saying, a person can’t help where they came from and just because someone was raised/or is in the streets doesn’t make them a bad person or mean that they cannot change. They may be a product of their environment. They may be resorting to the only means they know to take care of themselves and their family. All of this may be true but let me tell you why I’d take a good man over a bad boy any day.

What exactly is a thug? We may have our own definition but what is Webster’s definition. In the dictionary, the definition of thug is a violent person, a brutal ruffian, a criminal and historically, a thug is a member of a religious organization of robbers and assassins in India who were devotees to the goddess Kali (goddess of time, doomsday, and death) who waylaid and strangled their victims in a ritual manner. Some of you may call them hustlers but what exactly is a hustler. According to Webster, a hustler is a person who obtains or sells something by energetic or underhanded activity, to convey forcibly or hurriedly and often in a rough manner. Unfortunately, these definitions describe a thug and a hustler accurately. Reading this, I think to myself, now who wants someone like that? Why in the world would anybody in their right mind want someone who is described as a brutal ruffian? Who would want to bring someone around their family, children, or into their household who is described by society as a criminal or violent person who obtains or sells something by doing underhanded activity? Some of us, are gluttons for punishment and we would accept the unfulfilling and impossible challenge of falling in love with someone we know is bad for us just to one day have the joy of saying our love “changed” them.You can have those bad boys and thugs. I’ll take a good man and hold him up against any one of them. His pants don’t sag below his waist but, in his polos, khakis, and loafers, he’s got definite swag. His might is not in his fists but in his progressive thoughts, prosperous decisions, and calculate actions he proves a worthy adversary to dispel any stereotypes that may stand to place a damper on his steady rising star. His intelligence and wit is fascinating; drawing you in to his world, taking you on a mental fantasy ride, making you high while keeping you grounded in reality. His dreams are big and his determination is even bigger. He doesn’t need to adjust his crotch in hopes of staking a claim at being a man or shout profanities from the rooftops to show his edge; his stance reeks manhood and his presence alone speak volumes. He can change minds with just one sentence and commands attention when he enters any room. He understands that you allow the experiences to teach you about life, the books to teach you about history, and society to teach you about people but you never allow your past to define the present or your future. He’s a man that can network with presidents, CEOS, and government officials while still holding his own at any neighborhood barbeque.

So you see ladies, you can keep your bad boy thug. I’m a woman, I don’t need nor do I want an oversized boy. I’ll take Superman personified over your Dolemite. His intelligence is the new swag. He’s what every girl should ask Santa for. I’ve found mine and daily, he proves to me that I made the right choice. Choose wisely ladies. Just because you see his potential doesn’t mean he wants to put it to use. Love and be blessed.

Toxic Waste Women

Often, we as women complain about there not being any good men out there. I beg to differ. There are good men out there but some of us turn them off because some of us are Toxic Waste Women. Why do I say this? Am I on the side of the men? Am I some woman-hating female who wants to bash other women and take the side of undeserving men? No, quite the contrary. I’m not on anybody’s side. I choose the side of true love, common courtesy, and common sense (which some of us don’t have). Before you get upset and write this off as another sister hating on all the rest, hear me out.

There are always so many people out there with opinions on how men should treat women but very few on how women should treat men. As a mother of sons and a sister to two brothers, I am particularly passionate about this issue because, let’s face it, there are some nasty scandalous women in this world. Nobody’s perfect and we all make mistakes but some of us are the poison that causes men to label us all as bitches and hoes. They are the conniving, ungrateful, and self-seeking. Listen closely. There are various types of toxic women. The examples below will explain a few.

 

The Toxic Dater

As a woman, when she meets a man, one of the most important things to is letting everyone else know that he belongs to her. She wears his jacket, rocks his chain, holds his hand in public, changes her status to in a relationship on Facebook, and tells all her friends about the wonderful new man she’s enthralled with. There’s just one problem; he doesn’t see things the same way. Yeah, they guys are kicking it. Yeah, he’s taken her out a few times, visited her home, met her kids, and caused her to break the rule that she has about waiting a month before giving up the goods. The sex may have been amazing that sealed the deal. Her heart is telling her that she is in love. To him, the relationship is still new or he’s just not so prepared to commit. He hasn’t asked her to be his woman. He hasn’t placed the same restrictions on her that she has on him. Then, when she finds out that he may be talking to someone else or just not that into her, she flips her wig.

She blasts him on Facebook, writing cryptic messages on his timeline, attacking any woman that makes a comment on his status, making snide remarks about him to her friends and then proceeding to badger him and berate him via telephone and text message. Why, what’s the purpose? To let him know how hurt you are or how wrong he is? To put him on blast and make sure everyone knows what a scumbag you think he is? Do you really think that will matter? No, because the same females who wanted him before will want him even more now that they know he’s not messing with you and some of them will even want him only because you couldn’t get him. He will anger at you calling him out of his name and why are you so upset in the first place? Instead of being a woman and allowing yourself to figure out where you stand with this person, you assume that your situation is one thing when it really is another. If he’s not reciprocating the things you have done for him then truly, who’s chasing whom? When the situation goes bad and things go viral, this brother may choose to never do nice things for a woman or treat her well while he’s getting to know her because he doesn’t want the needless drama. Drama she caused because she equated sex to love or a relationship and tried to move things along too fast.

 

The Toxic Revolving Relationship Chick

Then there’s the toxic revolving relationship chicks. What is this you ask? Just give me a moment and I will explain. The relationship chick seems like the perfect girl, from the outside looking in. She takes care of her children, she gets assistance but knows how to manage it, and she has a car. A man comes along with promise; he doesn’t mind her kids, he helps her with the minimal bills she has and he reaps all the benefits of being with a chick who has kids and government benefits brings. There’s only one thing. Once she has him hooked and in her possession, she doesn’t allow him to be a man.  She doesn't encourage him to change his life, follow his dreams or pursue a legit way of living (if hustling is his game) She curses him out for trying to discipline her children, no matter how disrespectful to her (or him) they may be. She asks him for more and more, pay for this, get that, we want to go here but, he doesn’t “really” live there (he still has his room at his mama’s house) and as the days go by, she has more and more demands. When he talks to her about making a change, she doesn’t really hear it. All she sees is the come up; she has someone that can get her all the things that she wants. Eventually, one of two things happen; he gets locked up because his livelihood is contributing to the current detriment of society or he gets tired of being a sponsor and moves on to the next (if he hasn’t been cheating the entire time). Then again, why should he be faithful and “wife” her when his view from the inside is no longer warped by the rose colored tint on the windows.

He discovers much. She doesn’t clean, can’t cook and will feed her children McDonald’s or Little Cesar’s in a minute instead of turning on the stove. Her mouth is foul and, when it comes to mothering, she could use some pointers. Most of all, when he expressed his dreams, hopes and fears, she ignored them or tore him down so low that he may never recover. She never encouraged him to get out of the game; never told him about all the potential she saw in him; never expressed one iota of gratitude for the things he provided for children who did not possess his blood. What she did do was demand more. Just like every other woman in his life has. Now he sees us all the same. We want and ask and are forever ungrateful. Now look at what’s happened, a man with the potential to go far, change his life for the better and hers for that matter has no faith in the power of a relationship and the fact that, if she’s a real woman, she will help him start from scratch and build an empire. She will encourage him, be the voice of reason and, in times of trouble, she can hold her own.

The Toxic Baby Mama

The title is self-explanatory. Many men choose women because of looks and then, without fail, they procreate. The relationship falls a part and now, she becomes resentful because she’s stuck with responsibility for eighteen years while he’s got his freedom. He meets someone else and they start a family as well but she’s still sorting through the mess of men she allows into her life. Her resentment grows, especially when he’s at home every night with his other children and he doesn’t have as much time for hers or, since he’s gotten with his “new chick” he’s no longer willing to deal with her whenever she wants so she resorts to child’s play. She tells her kids that your other kids aren’t their brothers and sisters; she won’t let you see your kid or even have them around your new girlfriend and her family; she fills your child’s head with lies and makes them feel inadequate since you’ve gone and “started another family”.  You blast him on social media, you tell everyone you see how bad of a dad he is and you curse him out every time he calls or comes by, not realizing that your child is taking note of every word. Instead of wanting to visit his child and spend time with them or take them places, he would rather just send you child support and stay away because you make his life so miserable. He would rather deal with the pain and consequences of not seeing his child than have to face an ignorant, self-centered, hot ratchet mess of a woman scorned. Now, not only are you suffering but your child is suffering too.

Sometimes the blame is on us ladies. Sometimes we have to recognize the patterns in the way we live our lives and we have to be the one cut the cycle short. We have to stop adding to the destruction of a dwindling supply of good men. When one of us hurts the opposite sex, not only are we making it hard for our fellow sisters who have to deal with this man after us but, we are making it hard for the future of black children because they will have to deal with the consequences of broken relationships. Instead of adding to the problem, we need to be a part of the solution. I’m not saying that we have to accept whatever mess a man may bring but what I am saying is that we must be the kind of woman who builds up and not tears down, who helps instead of hinders, and who proves to the men in the world that life is more than just the images of women that they see in the street or have encountered in the past.

Doing it My Way

I've had the last few days to just relax, not think about work and troll the internet since a virus had me bed bound. The more I scrolled, the more I saw a trend...women, climbing the ladder, reaching the top, and proclaiming their prosperity. On one hand, I think it's an amazing thing; women making a name for themselves and carving out a world where they are equally successful as their male counterparts.  But, on the other hand, it kind of makes me sad.  Why? When I think back on my childhood memories of my mom, the one thing that stands out the most was that she was always working. Basketball games, track meets, awards ceremonies, plays, church events...she was always working. I never had the pleasure of having my own mother cheer me on, and on senior night, one of my aunts would fill in.

It's kind of like being successful in career and business has been added to the list of pressure already applied to the requirements of today's women. Be pretty, be smart, be sexy, have your own, be famous, be a mogul, etc., etc. It's as if being a mother and a wife have disappeared.  Like catering to your husband and family are no longer a part of a woman's vocabulary.  I know, the feminists will probably attack me, but I just want to be great to the people who matter to me most.  I just want to do things in the order that God intended. Not that working and having a career is wrong, it's just the fact that I know that, in all of this, the children suffer. (Let's face it, in this day and age, it takes two income to raise children half-way decent) I was there too; continuing to educate myself, standing on the rungs of the corporate ladder, and striving to make a name for myself in the field, but I am grateful that God has caused me to have a change of heart.  When I actually sit down and evaluate everything, my degrees, my position, a title, or the initials behind my name don't mean a thing if I'm not using them to please God.  In reality, my heart's desire is to be the best child of God, wife, mother, and sister I can be, and none of that requires me to have a PhD, make six-figures, or have thousands of followers.  I'm trying to get there...slowly but surely. If being on top is what you desire, by all means, get your money, as for me, I'm okay staying in my own lane and being my own competition.