So, I did it.
I got up. I brushed aside the stereotypes that many of us have about seeing a therapist and talking to someone about life and its problems. I mean, seeing my therapist is actually a part of my weekly self-care. She is budgeted into my busy schedule and worth every penny. It is a relief to have somewhere that I can go, express my feelings, pour out my heart, and be transparent without feeling judged or belittled. I leave feeling empowered and ready to use the strategies she gives me.
Yes, I believe in God, and I have a strong faith in the miracles He can do, however, through prayer I knew that I couldn’t get through this alone. I needed help. When I looked at my babies, and the love they have for me, my thoughts of no longer existing and ridding myself of this life was not an option. I had to survive. I had to live. I had to save myself for them. Writing these words have make me cry, but they also make me a survivor. I didn’t allow the darkness to take a hold of me and carry me down into the pits of despair. I’ve learned so many things through this time that I will be sharing with you.
For now, just know that I’m good. I’m in a place where God is allowing me to meet awesome women who I can connect with. They can pour into my life and I can pour into theirs and together, we can support each other through this life. I’m at a place where I feel, although my flesh and blood family are miles away, God is using this distance to not only restore my relationship with them, but to gather such a tribe around me that I feel safe and at home. For that, I am forever grateful. I must offer one small bit of advice before I go on about my day: Check on your strong friends, we aren’t always okay. We suffer in silence. We need hate to feel vulnerable, but that’s exactly what we need. The security to feel vulnerable. Be that person for someone. It could save their life.
To be continued…