There is no doubt that I am a woman; curvy, beautiful, intelligent, fashionable, nurturing, intriguing and constantly changing.  I am the first to cheer my fellow sisters on, to encourage them, offer them advice, lend them a helping hand and be an ear when they need to listen.  It is an automatic. When my sister wins, we all win, and the world shines a little bit brighter. With no biological sisters of my own, I am one of those women who must rely on outside sources to fill the void and make sisterly connections. I must admit, there is something about sisterhood that delights me, yet scares me at the same time.

I love the fact that women are so versatile; strong enough to bear the children and soft enough to make a man weak in the knees.  We possess the power and wisdom to be the backbones of every nation—birthing and rearing presidents, generals, and inventors.  We’re the glue that holds our families together, the concrete that keeps our children grounded, and the heartbeat of the world.  With all those compliments and accolades, it seems like it should be easy for anyone to love a woman. Not me. I admit, I have a love/hate relationship with the women.

How can I hate women when I’m a woman? It’s not hard to do.  I don’t like the ways of women. Among the tribe, there is a serious lack of sisterhood and an ever-present plague of gossiping, fighting, and backbiting. Instead of seeing our sister as a reflection of ourselves, we see her as the enemy. We can’t praise or be genuine with one another because of envy. We may smile and congratulate, but as soon as their back is turned, we are marring their success.  When we see them in love and happy, we find ways to place seeds of doubt in their head because we’re lonely and miserable and we want our sisters to be that way too. 

In their bad times, we rub their backs and hand them tissues, then walk away and spread gossip filled with our sister’s shortcomings and issues.  We air her dirty laundry with reckless abandon and ignore the possible damage, pain, or loss of trust our words may cause. We see one another as competition; I must look better than her, be better than her, be skinnier than her, prettier than her, heels higher than hers, diamond, and bags bigger than hers, kids smarter than hers, an ego larger than hers, hell I want to be her, steal her man, take her kids, or whatever just to get at her.  I FREAKING HATE HER! Sound familiar?

In these days and times, women battle more than they come together. Women are constantly videotaped fighting, arguing, and disrespecting each other. Shows like Love & Hip Hop and the Housewives glorify terrible behavior from women. These women are paid and placed on a national platform for exhibiting ratchet behavior. They are admired by many and given endorsements, brands, and wealth from stabbing other women in the back, backbiting, and spreading rumors and gossip. No wonder women feel the need to battle rather than connect and unify. Our country is known for rewarding bad behavior.

One day, we will all realize our power as women: that we are all gems who shine and emit light then, maybe, just maybe we can all be sisters again. When we stop coveting what our neighbor has and focus on bettering ourselves, being mothers and wives, we can come together again.  We can renew our bond.  When we stop worrying about the streets and impressing Mr. and Mrs. Jones, we can once again become one.  Join hands and march like we did with Dr. King, or dance and rejoice, praise, and enjoy one another again. Love one another. Offer a hope, encouragement, love, loyalty, honesty, and genuineness. Once again, be friends.  Be sisters.

🖤🖤Susa🖤🖤

What is one behavior you need to let go of?

Immediately, I knew the answer to this question. Worry. Worry plagues me. It is the grim shadow in the corner, waiting to swoop in and take over my thoughts. Worry stands over my shoulder casting an ominous shadow over the checklist of tasks I have in my head. Worry engulfs me in needless anxiety and is probably the sole contributor to my high blood pressure. Why do I worry, you may ask? I’m educated, employed, financially secure, and happily married. I shouldn’t have any worries…right? Life happens to us all, but for me, worry is a constant in my life. It is something that I fight against every day and a flaw that I’ve vowed to put an end to this waste of energy and inner peace.

What is worry? Worry is to give way to anxiety or unease. Worry is to allow one’s mind to dwell on difficulty or troubles. Worry is a state of anxiety over actual or potential problems. The first thing I’ve had to do is get to the source of what causes me to worry. I could blame it on a couple of things, experience, life traumas, disappointments, and failures. Honestly, those things are not the source. The reason I worry so much can solely be attributed to my need for control. I have come to realize that I do not want to ever feel weak or out of control. When a situation arises that I do not have total control over or could possibly cause an issue in the future, my habit of worrying kicks into overdrive.

Worry is counterproductive. It doesn’t do anything except cause me anxiety. It floods me with bad thoughts of “what ifs” and “worse case scenarios” when it is better to either act or allow the chips to fall where they may. I cannot plan my way through every life situation. I can only continue to live my life, save my coins, and raise my children while tackling the challenges as they come along. I have a plan and a strategy for breaking the chains of worry in my life and starting fresh.

Instead of worrying, I will be more productive by writing out my thoughts, strategizing, practicing relaxation techniques, praying, meditating, or exercising. Lastly, I plan to increase my faith. Lack of faith is a current struggle of mine. So many things have happened to me in the last few years that have caused me to not have hope for certain situations changing in my favor. That’s a post for another day. Right now, I am choosing to focus on the fact that I can no longer remain imprisoned by my thoughts.

Today, I release all feelings of worry and dread. I let go of the bad thoughts and will allow myself to live life with the understanding that I am fully equipped to handle anything that comes my way. Why? Because I have all the tools I need to succeed in life and adapt to whatever may come. I pray that this post helps someone who may go through the same thing.

Peace and blessings to you all.

🖤🖤Susa🖤🖤

In my new book, Dudoir Confessions, I present six different men in six different types of relationships. I think it will be something interesting for women to see because I modeled the characters, their personalities, and incidents in their lives after real things that have either happened to my muses or men that I know. I used things that my muses told me about themselves, how they see relationships, how they view women, and what we all do wrong in relationships.

In writing this book, I honestly feel like I am somewhat of an expert because I have brothers and over twenty-five male cousins. I have been around males all my life who have given me the real and told me what to look out for in men.  In relationships, often we think everything is okay because a man is talking to us and telling us things, however, we should only take the words coming out of their mouth for face value.  By nature, men are creatures of action. Communication and talking doesn't mean as much to them as it does to women. To prove this theory, all you must do is watch little kids. If you go to the playground and look at little children, you will find the little girls huddled somewhere having conversations while the boys are running, kicking, and jumping around. For the most part, males are not talkers. Now, we do know that one man that can talk a female under the table, but he's the exception to the rule, and not the norm.

Once again, men show you how they feel about you through their actions.  When you are with someone, you must ask yourself, do the words he's saying match up with what he is doing? If they don't match, then you need to go with the action. You don't go with words because obviously this man is telling you what you want to hear. He can tell you anything.  It's what he shows you.  An example would be you are dating this man, he texts you and calls you throughout the day, but you only get to see him late at night. He hardly takes you anywhere, or not at all, and you haven't met his friends or family, but he manages to come to your house late in the evening to "Netflix and chill".  He's not showing you off and basically, it's a you and him relationship, that's not a relationship.  He's basically showing you what you are . . . a booty call or a person he calls when he's done with whomever else, he is messing with.

Women are naturally hopeful, and we often choose to look on the bright side of things, when we should be keeping it real with ourselves. He can text and call you all day and still have a woman that he's with.  Again, it's what he's showing you.  Women often fail to realize what is right in front of our face.  So, part of this novel focuses on the fact that we must pay attention to a man's actions and what he does. Men are show and prove type of creatures. As women, we see the signs and we don't necessarily ignore them, but we are afraid to call men out on what we feel like they were doing wrong.  We can become insecure and be afraid that the man will think that we are crazy or being insecure. I would rather him see me as being insecure for a moment, than to be walking around worrying about what he's doing or to feel like I'm being played. I have learned that no matter how good of a man he is, you must follow your instinct and ask questions. No matter how hard asking those questions may be. If you see something that isn't right, ask.  You must learn the truth for yourself.  Trust . . .but verify.

I also want to show that woman can ruin a man.  Bad relationships ruin men just as much—if not more—than they mess up women.  I think they mess them up worse because men are more sensitive. When they love a woman deeply and she hurts them, it will make it ten times worse on the next person. Women suck it up, we get over, we may even do something petty, but eventually we move on.  Bad relationships stick with men longer.  Those memories flash back just as soon as you do something that reminds him of the woman who broke his heart. Men don't forgive as easily, so if they've had a few bad relationships, they group us all into the same category.  I'm not saying it's right . . .but it's what they do.

Dudoir Confessions is a book for the ladies.  It shines a light on the innermost thoughts of men and how they view relationships, their children, love, and even the mistakes that they make. It will even show the hard reality that, you may be the most amazing woman in the world, but you can't change a man.  He won't change until he is ready. He may do some things to get you off his back, but he will end up resenting you if the change is not something that he does for himself. Women are nurturers who want to save the world, and not even children can make a man change unless he has the desire to be a better person. I hope that in this book, women can get a better understanding of the men in their lives and the single men that are out there. They love just as hard as we do, and believe it or not, they hurt even harder. Check it out on February 2nd.

🖤🖤Susa🖤🖤

Have you ever been hurt so deeply that it feels like you will never heal? The type of pain that makes you want to throw in the towel. I must admit . . . I have. I'm sure we all have, and what usually takes us by surprise is, this hurt comes from the people we least expect it to. What does hurt do; it damages relationships, causes strife, and makes a person doubt the importance of their lives. The storm of life may be raging out of control, and you don't even have a clear vision of the path in front of you. You been whipped by the wind, bruised by the hail, and battered by the clouds. Still, there must be hope. No matter how low you may seem in your life, there is always a way to look up to the sky, know and understand that even when you are at your lowest . . . even when you have landed in the deepest of pits, there is always hope. No matter how dark it may seem, there is always light at the end of the tunnel.

It doesn't matter who hurt you. I can admit much of my pain has been from those who have claimed to love me the most. That pain seems to be a pain that cannot be soothed no matter how you choose to medicate it.  Seeing as how family betrayal is always a shocker, it causes one to take it hard.  The wounds can be devastating at best and instill in you a sense of insecurity that never existed before.  You lose your trust; you doubt your purpose and you ponder the true meaning of love.  We've all been there, some at greater levels than others, but the feeling doesn't just up and walk away without leaving remnants of the stinky mess. It can be hard to overcome and find the strength to climb out of the pit you're in. One thing I have learned is, there is always hope.  There is always an escape and just when you feel like you can't take another second of the torture, a cool breeze blows in the aftermath of the hurricane and reminds you of what it feels like to have peace.

The quickest way to overcome hurt and understand what has really occurred for another person to cause you pain is to look within. Self-evaluation is one of the hardest things that anyone will have to do. It's like taking a huge light and shining it on your flaws and imperfections.  From the way one of your eyes slants a little more than the other to the crooked turn of your nose.  Self-evaluation isn't about beating yourself down even farther into the pit that you are already in, but it is about really taking a magnifying glass to your situation. Sometimes, the person that we need to be delivered from is ourselves. Every major change in anyone's life begins with seeing yourself for who you really are and deciding to no longer be that person. It is often at our lowest moments when we can look up and see the mighty power of God. No matter what our situation may appear to be, or how bad it looks from where we are, we must always remember that we are never hopeless . . . never forsaken. Psalms 7:1-8

🖤🖤Susa🖤🖤

In our world today, we are more about appearances than actual happiness and security. In these times, we allow our outer appearance and what we see on the outside to form our opinion of others. I'm not saying that a person should look worn down or sloppy . . . not by any means, since I am someone who prides themselves on always looking my best when leaving home. What I'm not about is looking good at the detriment of my family, myself, or my finances. When I see someone or meet them . . . I do look at their outer appearance, but I'm not sold on them until I am able to evaluate what's inside. When I see someone looking nice and fashionable, I think to myself, now how much did they really pay for that? What do I mean by that? I'm not talking about money.  Keep reading and you'll find out.

There are those of us who are willing to accept almost anything for a few baubles and trinkets. Put up with a little abuse, neglect, and degradation in order pop tags on some Ralph Lauren and carry a Michael Kors bag. Are those outfits worth your pride and dignity or ability to hold your head up high? Are they worth the mistreatment, the lying and the cheating, your health, or your life even (AIDS is real)? So, you had the streets talking; Facebook and Instagram popping not caring that your kids are failing school, your house is filthy, your bills are way past due, and your daughter is turning into you.

Those of you who would rather look like money than have money area part of what is wrong with society. You get in line for the new Jordan's, slam down wads of cash for that bracelet and chain, and blind us with the diamonds in your watch and pinky ring. Is that bling worth the price you really paid? Worth all the sleepless nights on the corner, all the breaths you held when those flashing lights got behind you, and the lives your poison ruined or the years you spent caged. Not caring that any day may be your day when your kids will have to see you behind prison walls, your mama will be accepting collect calls, the warden says you must work even though it's only 25 cents an hour and your son will grow to be like you since his daddy spent his life in jail too. Is it worth it?  The ability to stunt temporarily may be their only purpose for living because if you take away those shoes, that jewelry, that bag, and that car, what would they have left?

What's the lesson in all of this? Keeping up with the Jones' and trying to put on appearances will send you to the poor house quicker than you think.  Instead of putting your money towards something constructive like a computer so your child can do their homework, pay a tutor so they can stop failing their classes, or pay for yourself to take a course, you would rather spend it on material things.  The most valuable things like love, knowledge, and peace of mind are priceless and unable to be purchased no matter how many dollars you.

If you must beg, borrow, steal, rob or kill to get the material things that you want, the first thing you should ask yourself, was it worth it? Was the true price you paid worth the enjoyment that you're getting from that item? If the answer is yes then by all means carried on, but if you're not willing to risk life, freedom, dignity, or self-esteem then maybe you ought to reconsider and put it back on the rack. Spend wisely!

🖤🖤Susa🖤🖤

So, I was speaking with one of my students the other day about role models. He told me that his role model is Lil Wayne because he is a thug. This didn't surprise me at all because, in dealing with these young people daily, I know and understand that they see womanizing, doing drugs, drinking and being a criminal glorified on a daily basis by rappers and the girls get told that showing their bodies and doing anything for their man is better than being smart glorified by these video vixens. What I did do that he didn't expect was challenge him and pick his brain. I asked him what his definition of a thug was. He said, 'Somebody that robs, kills, steals, and is hard.' I said so, you mean to tell me that you want to be like a person that robs people, kills people, and steals from people. Why are you in school trying to get an education then? That type of person won't do anything but end up in jail and you don't need an education for that. He told me that he really didn't want to do that but that he thought that Lil Wayne is a "G" and "Bout that life". I asked him about what life? I said Lil Wayne has been rapping since he was a little boy so how much of a thug or a G could he have been? How many people could he have robbed, killed or stolen from to earn any kind of street cred at the age of nine? Then, I asked him did he think Drake was a thug and a "G" too? Of course, he said yes. I told him what thug do you know danced and sang on the Mickey Mouse club with Brittney Spears when they were growing up. Drake is just a dressed up pretty boy who has his lyrics written by someone else and is personified as a gangster. I told him that most of these rappers have college degrees and have never been any kind of thug in their life and are selling you all a dream. They are telling you a story of a life they never lived and getting you to believe it and, while they are living in their million dollar condos and driving Lamborghini's, you are struggling to survive or acting out the things they make seem cool and ruining your life with a jail sentence. I told him to make sure that he does his research on a person before committing himself to be like them. Don't let someone else make you a fool. I told him the person he needed to idolize are the male teachers he's around everyday, his basketball coach Mr. Bellamy or our principal Mr. Clark. Real men, that he can walk up to and talk to, ask questions of and learn about REAL life from, not some idiot rapper who could give to farts about him, his mother, his brothers or their struggles in the hoods of Palmetto. We never got to finish our conversation because I had a lecture and notes to give but, I would hope that the things I talked to him about would somehow nag him deep down inside until he saw the error of his ways. If this is the state and the minds of the youth in our communities, we have ALOT more work to do than I ever anticipated and I'm determined to change them, one mind at a time.

🖤🖤Susa🖤🖤

Often, we as women complain about there not being any good men out there. I beg to differ. There are good men out there but some of us turn them off because some of us are Toxic Waste Women. Why do I say this? Am I on the side of the men? Am I some woman-hating female who wants to bash other women and take the side of undeserving men? No, quite the contrary. I’m not on anybody’s side. I choose the side of true love, common courtesy, and common sense (which some of us don’t have). Before you get upset and write this off as another sister hating on all the rest, hear me out.

There are always so many people out there with opinions on how men should treat women but very few on how women should treat men. As a mother of sons and a sister to two brothers, I am particularly passionate about this issue because, let’s face it, there are some nasty scandalous women in this world. Nobody’s perfect and we all make mistakes but some of us are the poison that causes men to label us all as bitches and hoes. They are the conniving, ungrateful, and self-seeking. Listen closely. There are various types of toxic women. The examples below will explain a few.

The Toxic Dater

As a woman, when she meets a man, one of the most important things to is letting everyone else know that he belongs to her. She wears his jacket, rocks his chain, holds his hand in public, changes her status to in a relationship on Facebook, and tells all her friends about the wonderful new man she’s enthralled with. There’s just one problem; he doesn’t see things the same way. Yeah, they guys are kicking it. Yeah, he’s taken her out a few times, visited her home, met her kids, and caused her to break the rule that she has about waiting a month before giving up the goods. The sex may have been amazing that sealed the deal. Her heart is telling her that she is in love. To him, the relationship is still new or he’s just not so prepared to commit. He hasn’t asked her to be his woman. He hasn’t placed the same restrictions on her that she has on him. Then, when she finds out that he may be talking to someone else or just not that into her, she flips her wig.

She blasts him on Facebook, writing cryptic messages on his timeline, attacking any woman that makes a comment on his status, making snide remarks about him to her friends and then proceeding to badger him and berate him via telephone and text message. Why, what’s the purpose? To let him know how hurt you are or how wrong he is? To put him on blast and make sure everyone knows what a scumbag you think he is? Do you really think that will matter? No, because the same females who wanted him before will want him even more now that they know he’s not messing with you and some of them will even want him only because you couldn’t get him. He will anger at you calling him out of his name and why are you so upset in the first place? Instead of being a woman and allowing yourself to figure out where you stand with this person, you assume that your situation is one thing when it really is another. If he’s not reciprocating the things you have done for him then truly, who’s chasing whom? When the situation goes bad and things go viral, this brother may choose to never do nice things for a woman or treat her well while he’s getting to know her because he doesn’t want the needless drama. Drama she caused because she equated sex to love or a relationship and tried to move things along too fast.

The Toxic Revolving Relationship Chick

Then there’s the toxic revolving relationship chicks. What is this you ask? Just give me a moment and I will explain. The relationship chick seems like the perfect girl, from the outside looking in. She takes care of her children, she gets assistance but knows how to manage it, and she has a car. A man comes along with promise; he doesn’t mind her kids; he helps her with the minimal bills she has and he reaps all the benefits of being with a chick who has kids and government benefits brings. There’s only one thing. Once she has him hooked and in her possession, she doesn’t allow him to be a man.  She doesn't encourage him to change his life, follow his dreams or pursue a legit way of living (if hustling is his game) She curses him out for trying to discipline her children, no matter how disrespectful to her (or him) they may be. She asks him for more and more, pay for this, get that, we want to go here but, he doesn’t “really” live there (he still has his room at his mama’s house) and as the days go by, she has more and more demands. When he talks to her about making a change, she doesn’t really hear it. All she sees is the come up; she has someone that can get her all the things that she wants. Eventually, one of two things happen; he gets locked up because his livelihood is contributing to the current detriment of society, or he gets tired of being a sponsor and moves on to the next (if he hasn’t been cheating the entire time). Then again, why should he be faithful and “wife” her when his view from the inside is no longer warped by the rose colored tint on the windows.

He discovers much. She doesn’t clean, can’t cook and will feed her children McDonald’s or Little Cesar’s in a minute instead of turning on the stove. Her mouth is foul and, when it comes to mothering, she could use some pointers. Most of all, when he expressed his dreams, hopes and fears, she ignored them or tore him down so low that he may never recover. She never encouraged him to get out of the game; never told him about all the potential she saw in him; never expressed one iota of gratitude for the things he provided for children who did not possess his blood. What she did do was demand more. Just like every other woman in his life has. Now he sees us all the same. We want and ask and are forever ungrateful. Now look at what’s happened, a man with the potential to go far, change his life for the better and hers for that matter has no faith in the power of a relationship and the fact that, if she’s a real woman, she will help him start from scratch and build an empire. She will encourage him, be the voice of reason and, in times of trouble, she can hold her own.

The Toxic Baby Mama

The title is self-explanatory. Many men choose women because of looks and then, without fail, they procreate. The relationship falls a part and now, she becomes resentful because she’s stuck with responsibility for eighteen years while he’s got his freedom. He meets someone else and they start a family as well but she’s still sorting through the mess of men she allows into her life. Her resentment grows, especially when he’s at home every night with his other children and he doesn’t have as much time for hers or, since he’s gotten with his “new chick” he’s no longer willing to deal with her whenever she wants so she resorts to child’s play. She tells her kids that your other kids aren’t their brothers and sisters; she won’t let you see your kid or even have them around your new girlfriend and her family; she fills your child’s head with lies and makes them feel inadequate since you’ve gone and “started another family”.  You blast him on social media, you tell everyone you see how bad of a dad he is and you curse him out every time he calls or comes by, not realizing that your child is taking note of every word. Instead of wanting to visit his child and spend time with them or take them places, he would rather just send you child support and stay away because you make his life so miserable. He would rather deal with the pain and consequences of not seeing his child than have to face an ignorant, self-centered, hot ratchet mess of a woman scorned. Now, not only are you suffering but your child is suffering too.

Sometimes the blame is on us ladies. Sometimes we have to recognize the patterns in the way we live our lives and we have to be the one cut the cycle short. We have to stop adding to the destruction of a dwindling supply of good men. When one of us hurts the opposite sex, not only are we making it hard for our fellow sisters who have to deal with this man after us but, we are making it hard for the future of black children because they will have to deal with the consequences of broken relationships. Instead of adding to the problem, we need to be a part of the solution. I’m not saying that we have to accept whatever mess a man may bring but what I am saying is that we must be the kind of woman who builds up and not tears down, who helps instead of hinders, and who proves to the men in the world that life is more than just the images of women that they see in the street or have encountered in the past.

🖤🖤Susa🖤🖤

Ecclesiastes 11:9 Walk in the ways of your heart, And in the sight of your eyes...

In my morning reflections and attempting to find a message for the upcoming year, I came up with a the saying above.  'Do what you love, focus.'  The new year is always a time of reflection, change, and goal setting for the year ahead. There's something about the new year that makes us want to start over and not repeat the same mistakes from prior year.  It's as if we have a fresh start on the life that we want to have, or a reason to believe that all our hard work from the previous year will finally begin to pay off.  I'm no different.  Each year, I have goals for the year ahead written down, mapped out and placed on my vision board as a daily affirmation that those things will be achieved.

Deep inside of us, our soul is often a driving force in the things that we desire to change in our lives. There's this inner voice, this tugging, or this feeling that we can't explain, yet it is as real as ever.  Cheering us on and telling us to focus on what matters. It is in sync with our hearts willing us to continue the path to our destiny.  What’s my advice to everyone who is trying to make changes and achieve their goals? Focus.  Don't become distracted with life's distractions. Keep choosing the right path and climbing the mountain—no matter how steep or how rocky the path—to your destiny.

We all know that life happens; accidents, hardships, unexpected expenses.  These things can all make it seem as if the plan that we have or the goals that we have set are not meant to be. Stumbling blocks will always be in the way, to distract you from your purpose and to get you off track, but you must continue to focus.  Keep your eyes on the prize.  Continue to travel the path that leads to your future. Even if it means leaving some things . . . and some people behind you. Focus and do what you love. There is no greater feeling than accomplishing your goals and fulfilling the vision that God has given to you.

I wish you all success and prosperity on the new year, as well as the courage and focus to not be distracted by the world around you. Plug your ears from the haters and naysayers and give you tunnel vision to be obedient and fulfill your promises you made to yourself.  Stay the course, and above all else, do what you love.

🖤🖤Susa🖤🖤

Does my title speak for itself? Maybe. We are often the sources of one another’s pain and misfortune because we fail to follow some simple rules.  If there is any major example of how petty and trifling women can be, look at any reality show currently on television; Real Housewives, Love & Hip Hop, Bad Girls Club, Basketball Wives, R&B Divas, and the list goes on and on. These shows display the sad shape of our sisterhood.  Even Married to Medicine, where women who are professionals and the wives of professionals, exhibits its own amount of drama and mess among women who are educated and well to do. No one is exempt.

What is one of our main sources of contention as women? Well, men of course.  We often find ourselves at odds because one of us has allowed a snake to slither in our grass for a while and we got used to seeing it.  Then, when he decides to slither away because the grass is seemingly greener on the other side of the fence, we end up hating our neighbor instead of the snake.  We feel our neighbor is obligated to return to us what is “ours” and to apologize for the fact that “our” snake decided to slither away.  Is it our neighbor’s fault? In some situations, it may be but, even if your neighbor knew the snake was yours, what obligation do they really have to you?  More than likely, the answer to that is none.  Instead of taking your garden hoe and chopping that snake into tiny little pieces like you should, you continue to fertilize your grass to tempt him back to your luscious green turf.  Then, when your efforts to attract him are not enough, you choose to attack your neighbor; either physically, verbally or by ruining their character, not knowing that the snake will soon move on from you both because he’s always looking for the greener garden.  What’s even worse, often in this situation, children are brought into the mix and, instead of having mothers who can put aside their differences and bring the siblings together, you get mothers who would rather teach their children to hate their own flesh and blood.  You're also not keeping in mind that there is more out there to be had than just a little snake poison.  AIDS is real.

I don't have the desire to beat a dead horse.  We all know there are those of us who will never respect the boundaries of others, we will never choose the path of least resistance, and we will never take responsibility for our actions enough to see past our own desires.  We will continue to be at odds; spending our money on the best fertilizer (make-up, sexy dresses, weaves, lashes, and heels) and weed killer (slander, rumors, and petty fights) to attract the snakes slithering all around us.  We know there are those who don't mind playing second or third or hell, even sharing and playing on the same snake's team just to say that they have a little bit of meat in their flower bed.  Who don't care that their situation will never be permanent because the snake will continue to slither and find other yards to nest in. So why fight with our sister over a temporary situation? Why create enemies when, soon enough, you will both be at a loss? I don't get it and I never will. There is never a need to fight over a little rattlesnake meat when the one that is destined for you could be out there and you miss him because you're holding on to something that doesn't mean you any good.  But I digress.

The real lesson to be learned here is, when going about your everyday actions and dealing with those of the same gender, always ask yourself, am I my sister's keeper? If the answer is yes then, you would help her look for the snakes in the grass and you'd both get your lawn mower, cut down the grass so you can see him, then get your hoes out and chop him into itty bitty pieces.  What more is there to be said? As always, make smart decisions and never give more than you’re willing to take. Watch out for those snakes.

🖤🖤Susa🖤🖤

I will be the first to admit that I have trust issues.  It's kind of hard not to when many of the memories embedded in your mind involve betrayal of trust. Just as the thought of those things that are beautiful; your favorite birthday party, the best family cookout, or the best trip you ever took can elicit feelings of joy, memories that were unpleasant; your worst relationship break-up, the death of a loved one, or a scary encounter can evoke feelings of hurt and pain.  Those moments that can’t easily be wiped away because they’ve been permanently memorialized in the form of a brick around your heart.  Your wall of distrust adds bricks as you navigate through life’s tribulations, eventually becoming so high; scaling it, tearing it down, or even finding your way through it is an incessant impossibility.  What’s even worse, those around us seem to be more interested in fortifying the structure with more stones rather than explosives that can blast through to the other side.  How can one recover from the relentless onslaught of betrayals?

Communication is number one.  You must examine whether you are communicating your knowledge of the injustices that have been committed against you.  There are times when infractions are evident like stealing or cheating but there are other times when dishonesty constitutes actions perceived or taken as a violation of some unspoken rule. These misfortunes can often get lost in the sea of communication and carried off on a wave of what is never said.  Here’s an example, you tell your cousin a secret and make her promise not to utter a word to anyone. She pinky-swears, and you spill the beans.  Later, you find out she not only tells your secret but the person she tells spreads the news and when an argument breaks out between you and someone else at a large family gathering, you’re soon humiliated by the fact that everyone in the family knows your business.  Now your trust is shaken and you’re feeling some type of way. The person you thought you could entrust with a secret has failed you miserably and you vow to never tell family a secret again. In a situation such as this, communication about how the offense has made you feel.  You must tell them how your confidence has been damaged you and what that person can do to change the way you feel or right their wrong.  Allowing someone to be redeemed and start over again. 

 Family secrets are secrets of the worst kind. Your family is holding onto something that could change your life forever.  As a black woman, these types of secrets plague almost every family I know and often cause more pain when kept hidden than if they were to be revealed and all parties allowed to heal.  Such secrets always involve such painful topics as molestation, paternity or a spouse cheating and are never revealed under joyful circumstances.  Once revealed, the news is no doubt devastating, and the pain becomes almost too much to carry or even fathom.  How can you bounce back from such a blow? How do you forgive and move on? How can you find it in your heart to allow those people back into your life and once again trust them? 

If the blow is life changing, then the only possible solution may be time.  Just as a cut bleeds, clots off, scabs over and heals, so shall the wounds inflicted upon by those you love.  Time may require that you separate yourself from the offenders, give yourself space to thing and room to breathe, allow you anger to subside and for the burning desire for revenge to be quenched in the cool sands of time.  The stitches in your heart will dissolve leaving it mended but scarred. With time, the memories will fade away and be replaced.  Eventually, once the work is done and those who have wronged you prove their sincerity with their actions, the walls within your heart will start to weaken and eventually fall.  Even better, if you continue to develop a relationship with our Father in heaven, He will be the dynamite that blows those walls away.  

In closing I say this, trust is precious.  It is something that, once thrown away, it is hard to be retrieved.  In closing, I will say this, never ignore your feelings.  If something or someone hurts you, let them know. Second chances are about an important part of growth in life and, no matter the circumstances, you must give yourself permission to take down your walls and trust again. 

🖤🖤Susa🖤🖤